Phantom of the Bordello

Sensibly Senseless

2006-11-20T10:52:00.000-07:00

Ah... Spankings!

... They should look like this.

Wealthy aristocratic spankings...

Bare-bottomed thrashings administered to the staff for no other reason than being inspirationably spankable?

Is the punishment what was really called for?

Nope, but such decadence could be fun, no?

Muhahaha.

2006-09-26T10:11:00.000-06:00

Couldn't help myself...

Addendum to Revelations...

2006-08-17T11:59:00.000-06:00

Latter-day Prophesies:

The pink horse will decorate the white house after the white horse moves in, and the black and brown horses will till the fields and harvest the tomatos, green chilies, sugar beets, and cabbage while the red horse will supply cheap labor to the pale horses so that everyone can have lots of cheap plastic replica's of white action figure horses to worship in latent idolatry manifest by that which is unseen but nevertheless present regardless of the lack of an accounting nor even a moderately consenual inkling of an eye, bowel, or cognitive dissonence employed by those who so profusely proclaim it. In the meantime, the yellow horse will dominate technology and produce hypnotic interactive cartoons depicting death, wanton sex, and yellow munchie thingies eating colored pills, while the olive skinned horses will control finance and fossil fuels, and they will make war on each other for 50 times 50 years plus 2000 years minus 8 to the the power of 10 and a fortnite, till all lose count and interest, but nobody will win, and they shall be consitered hellaceous vermin with a penchant for drama. During this time nobody will give a flying shit about the constitution, being preoccupied with the cost of energy. The dark horsies will seek remuneration but shall be ignored driving them to insanity, poverty, and finally a quite rebellion in which they brainwash the pale horses by means of satelite transmissions and comedic prowess causing many of the other herds of horses to emulate their manner of speech, mode of dress, and general distaste for "the man". The green horses will tie themselves to trees but will nevertheless be cut asunder by white horses with blue collars sent by light colored horses with white collars funded by the funds of involuntary donations by painted ponies without collars who will in twain dishonor their bodies with ponies of the same paint and will demand the fair and equal housing, rights, and conubial bliss lovingly bestowed upon all the other equines of the whole earth in return for sage advise on national fashionable trends in hanging threads, raiment, and garments worn, hygene, and home redecorating with a flaming flare which will never be flaming enough to save all the horsies from freezing to death when the sun refuses to shine through the flatulent gases emitted by the constituancy of all the kings horses as well as all the peasant horses, the horses in between, and the yet unborn and unclean horses of all colours, and finally the igorant horses of the inner jungles who haven't a fucking clue. Thus is said anon and shall so be written as it shall so be done.

Mr Cooper's Capers

2006-08-07T09:53:00.000-06:00

eh? Eh? Speak up, I'm completely deaf this morning after the Alice Cooper concert last night. He was the SHIT! Fabulous!

I'm a bit choosy about who I will see live cuz I prefer shows vs concerts and I'd rather just listen to the CD if they're just gonna stand there and sing the hits.

That said, Mr Copper was a great showman who had an excellant grasp of his audience and what they would like to see in a performance. The man's a legend, after all. His audience diverse, aged from teens to 60 year olds, was as enthusiastic a crowd as I've seen for such a small venue. 2000ish? It took some doing but I was finally able to get in front of a 20ish something young man dressed as Jesus and his spikey haired mohawkian accomplice which most certainly added to my enjoyment of the elbow to elbow standing position on the floor not 20 feet from the show. I've been in the shitty seats before at other venues and while they afford twice the comfort of the "steerage" style floor arrangement, there is simply no comparison in terms of sheer electricity both from the performer and from the adreniline filled stage groupies. Cudo's to Mr Cooper for keeping it fresh after 30+ years of performing!

It took me back to the days when the rock & roll was as interesting as the rock star.

Citizen Cain

2006-07-28T16:32:00.000-06:00

There was a time when you could trust in a few things to be basically safe. Like a sandwich. But these days, calamity lurks in every possible disguise, integrating into every facet of life.
It's easy to blame it all on easily recognizable figures and yet sometimes it's the most seemingly trustworthy that wreak havok.

Case in point. I just had a Maxtor hard drive fail with irreplacable files on it. It's not that I don't expect that these things will happen, but after a little research I found that the model in question has been having problems for a few years now, and yet, Maxtor, in their complacent business style, hasn't issued any recalls, notices of impending electrical doom, or even any subtle hints of negligent aggression. I haven't even seen a video taped statement from Seagate claiming responsability for the tragic and early death of my drive on Al Jazeera.

This particullar model, the diamondmax 9 series, has been failing at an alarming rate - though this is secondhand user information, and Maxtor must appearently see these numbers as an acceptable loss as indicated by their lack of forthcomming candor.

In any case, it's become increasingly hard for me to focus on the whole middle east unrest and 50 years of neverending conflicts, global warming, Korean & Iranian Nukes, and potential return of Bill Maher to HBO's new season in August while being distracted by my own immediate losses.

Next time, in perfect english, I'll order the hummus...

Vampire Vagina

2006-06-22T11:13:00.000-06:00

Virginia's hot & sweaty, 'Scaped like a used dollar buck, s'natually pretty, Like a '49 pickup truck. I once spotted a beaver, in it's natural habitat, A wetlands log weaver, pursued by a thespian vampire bat. Intelligently designed to suck, Though mere strands of DNA, distinguished him from backwoods dumbfucks, Small bang, milky curds, and milky weigh. I think I've lost my train of thought... Olive oil, extra Virgin, Balsamic sweet spot, SOS, require linguistic surgeon. stat.

A Slighty Poetic Monday

2006-04-03T11:25:00.000-06:00

These lymrics are from a recent assignment. A group of i-net friends and I occssionally assign each other a few words and a poetic style to have fun with.

The Bounds of Electric Love (mensonge, wattage, hostage)

My pseudo menage was a textbook "a trois" classic,
A waking daydream themed in avant guard jurassic,
twas was a neolithic and slightly horrific mensonge,
My nuts held hostage in a leopard printed manthong,
Volts & wattage applied to all things thoracic.

Don't Wanna Go There (Gonorrhea, Chick Corea, Split Peas, Green Cheese)I once knew this chick from Korea, who oozed of whiskey and gonorrhea, We shared soup of split peas, fashioned a condom of green cheese, and now my cock has the texture of chick peas. Ballad of a Barking Spider ( spider, soothing, taxi ) Herpe Alpert in a Tijauna taxi, Shined and detailed oh so waxy, Gay and tooting he wasn't soothing, Killed that spider high falooting, Inhalation overdose, insecticidal comatose. Catfight At The OK Corral (Thrill, cell, chill, kill, ne'er do well, pill, spell )The outlaw known as Ne'er do Well , Was keen to bind with charming spell, Send naughty chills and devilish thrills, Killed fate with vocal bitter pills, With glee left oral pleasures on her cell.

The Last Harrah

2006-03-29T15:24:00.000-07:00

UPI, API, National Enquirer, The Globe - Waco, Texas
A controversial group called Controiversial Christians For Jesus announced last week that Jesus was killed in a freak skiing accident, and called the traditional view of his death an "erroneous falsehood of biblical proportions. In reality, he was attempting to do a 720 spin, followed by an inverted aerial, a McTwist, and finally a Spread Eagle. The use of polaroids has acompanied skiing since it's advent".

"New evidence in the form of an old polaroid has conclusively identified that the event happened during a sermon on the Swiss mound. Details are forthcoming, but we are certain the polaroid dates back to .0001A.D., or possibly .0001B.C., but we have our forensic expert, Steve Irwin of Animal Planet, examining it more closely to make that distinction". Steve was quoted as saying "Croicky mate, e looks a litle piisssed off, eh? Thah thah, litle fella, I won't hold you upsoid down fa long."

Religious leaders around the world are vehemently denying it's authenticity. The Pope was quoted as saying "No references appear for polaroid in the bible until the book of II Maccabees".

Rev. Al Sharpton said "I don't doubt that white folk is always spendin' they money like an ambitious fool, but Jesus was tight, man, and he probably dint have no cash fo' a lift ticket."

Joseph Smith was quoted as saying "Yup, that's right, and he ski'd right here in Utah and appeared to me as a snowflake once and told me to invent the Mormon church and get me some bitches just like Tha BossMack Topsoil, but that brotha onny got him 15 bitches, and I gots 28 fine-ass bitches in my stable. Who's da TopMack now, biatch?".

Jehovah's Witness's were unavailable for comment, as usual, but are busy handing out flyers that make you wonder if it's going to cause the world to end.

In California, many concerned citizens dawned their Nikes and sweatsuits just in case, but pretended to be jogging, so as not to 'look the fool' in case the comet didn't return on time.

Jews had this to say "Feh, Oi Vey! Finally you moisheh kapoyers can quit blaming us for everything! Shmeckle heads!"

The Japanese Shinto's issued the following scroll which loosely translated means "Eat Shit and Die!" and then promptly stabbed themselves in the gut with pointy little swords.

Stem Cell Research

2006-03-29T09:40:00.000-07:00

Each day I take time to notice the little things. Blips on a metaphorical radar. So it's no surprize that with the passing of Buck Owens last week, the topic of stem cell research and cloning was at the forefront of my frontal lobe.

To be honest, I don't know about the issue, but after creating this collage, I'm more inclined to vote no. We are already oversaturated with morons.

A blowjob in paradise

2006-03-22T11:45:00.000-07:00

(warning, aaaoooga aaaooga, Bush RANT in progress)

Okay, I'm as patriotic as the next person ( though I'm no flag waver ), but there are things that even I wouldn't do for my country. LOL. Can't I just run through the streets yelling "the British are cumming!" ? Strange times call for drastic measures I guess. Besides, I'm not even sure the Brits are into BJ's. They seem to prefer buggery.

Bush personifes the Book of Revelation ( on purpose I think ) and makes our world seem more chaotic then normal. I honestly believe that he's just one more predator in a long string of skanky, stanky, nasty doodyheads. In the previous century, robber barons used transportation and communication to rape the masses. This century it's energy and dependance. It's simple math. Take away jobs and production, invent huge demands for energy, and you have a population dependant on borrowed finances. Motive, you say? Control and money. I remember a history class in HS back in the seventies where the teacher actully said that most of us would never live to see the 21st century cuz the world would be all done by then. I doubt I was the only one to hear that. How many peeps live as if they will be alive in 20 years? With that attitude, it's very easy for predators to take advantage of everyone. Churches must love Bush - his apocalyptic approach must fill the collection plates every week with fearfully faithful followers. Baaaaaa, baaaaa, bleeeeeet ! Naturally the preachers aren't gonna put him down, he's good for their economy. Financiers must love him for the same reasons.

The truth is that he's "the man". They're all "the man". Fucking predators.

Big Lovah

2006-03-21T09:34:00.000-07:00

I was inspired to create this pic of a black version of HBO's Big Love.

Sorry my G's, I've been reading black blogs lately and watchin' Big Love and it makes me wanna be an ol' dirty bastard rappah, yo.

It's funny cuz it does go to self expression and a universal need to tell it like it is, or at least how it seems. Black underground culture can be pretty coarse, but it's an honest reflection of what it feels like to be in that particular space/time continuum. ;-)

One step further. I have been watching Big Love on HBO and it's freighteningly weird to see the kind of folks I came from. The mixture of polygamy and religion is nausiating, although it's mostly the influence of the religion on the minds of the practicioners that icks me out. The way they play out the multiple relationships is intriging to me because as a kid I was taught that would be the norm in the hereafter. LOL, that means I would have a serious addiction to viagra like Bill. The man's a stallion... but who wouldn't be with a herem of available baby-makin' bitches. But I digress. All in all, it creeps me out to be from the same bloodlines as those freaks. Somehow I hope I was the little acorn that fell off the tree, rolled down a hill, fell off the cliff into a waterfall, floated miles and miles downstream, brushed shoulders with a lava flow, and then geneticly mutated into a new kind of tree in an exceptional feat of evolutionary big-banginess.

Shit, I said "bang". ARRRRRRRR, I'm just like them... a muthafucca. I bang. I bang.

Manic Repressive Disorder

2006-03-20T17:01:00.000-07:00

Not one to doubt the capacity for opinions of bloggers, the following begs the question -

- Was I a jerk, or not? hee hee hee

Yesterday Mrs Phantom and I went to Walmart which I tend not to like anyway, and definately not on Sunday. ( not because of any implied reverance for the day, just that it's really busy and full of freaks, and tuesday nites are less so... ) But I digress. As Mrs Phantom drove into the parking lot, I noticed that she was about to make crop circles looking for somewhere close-in to park, and not wanting to witness this U-turn of events, I just sat back and closed my eyes hoping it would all be over soon if I silently chanted "ya na na na, na na na na, hmmmm hmmm, ya na na na..." ( second verse, same as the first ) over and over until it was over.

Suddenly, without warning, Mrs Phantom said "Did you see if there was a spot in the next row?" to which all I could answer was " I dunno, I wasn't looking...".

"Well WHAT were you doing" she queried?

"Meditating" I calmly but facitiously answered.

23 years of marital bliss managed to rear it's ugly head.

"About what?" she challenged in voice that explicitly told me I should lie my ass off.

Not being disposed to having my honest or dishonest moments dictated to me, I offered "...thinking about whether or not we'd find a parking spot in this century or whether I should hang myself from the coat hanging thingie instead."

She gave me a piercing glance and said "You're a jerk!"

She made me shop elsewhere in the store for the duration as if to say "Bad dog! Very bad doggy!"

My thoughts about parking are that it simply doesn't matter how far away you park as long as it is within 6 spaces of a cart return. People are predictable - More then 6 spaces and they will simply hide their cart next to the closest car not bothering to be concerned about potential dings or scratches on the "camo" vehicle, or the fact that you will have to move it just to get into your car. So... the safety zone is within 6 spaces, and that's where you'll find the good citizens who use the appropriate receptacle. In inclimate weather, the margin for error is -4 spaces. And also, most of those shopping at Walmart ( including us ) could stand a little more excercise in their day, a fact that is not lost on Walmart as they seem to stock vast quantities of XL and XXL² sweats in the clothing dept.

Oddly, whosomever designed their parking lots was grossly negligent and naive, and therefore only put cart returns in every other row, leaving one row cart-free, and the next cart-strewn. They also have the return row spaced at about 20+ cars, which leaves carts next to cars in spaces 7-14, and all upon the islands wherever present.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to notice these trends, does it?

So.... am I a jerk?

Scary Movie 3 HNT

2006-03-01T16:27:00.000-07:00

hee hee hee.

Damn, that's a funny movie!

I should take Andy's idea and do a last supper HNT next week.

HNT Sprinter

2006-02-09T09:29:00.000-07:00

Sheesh! What time do you people get up? I'm like the 300th on Obasso's list.

This morning, I feel like going streaking!

NEW Theme

2006-01-27T13:16:00.001-07:00

Henceforth, I shall digress into a decadent spiral of almost true but artistically licenced visions and versions of invented reality.

Sex Toys

2006-01-18T17:57:00.000-07:00

So... I've been listening to Stern, and Bubba the Love Sponge all day...Bubba is kinda cool too... I was just in a grocery store parking lot while he was playing a previous bit where he got this waitress from Bennigans to get off on the air while she recited the daily lunch specials. Pretty funny, and gave me a boner; meanwhile, all these little old ladies are walking by with groceries greeting their little sweater clad poodles... damn... he just got another one to do it as well.... shit... why is this 'on air' orgasm shit so sexy? LOL... he's making her bark like a chihuahua. Now he's making her yell out "I'm going off the edge, Superman, save me, save me!" hahahaha, she's such a good sport. Damn, that's sexy and funny. She's so friggin hot! FFFFFFUUUUCCCCKKK! My stupid mother-in-law just called so I didn't get to hear the happy ending. GDMFucker... I'm never answering my phone again. Why does all of this make me want to shop for sex toys? Is it some CIA programming for MK Ultra sex experiments? Have I been abducted by aliens?